Lady Gaga’s diverse but uninteresting outfits are the sort of things a five-year-old would devise if assigned to come up with “weird clothes”: It’ll be a suit that’s all white but has starfish stuck all over it! Yay! I’m reminded of the sorrow and the pity I felt about a decade ago when Britney Spears started wearing a sweat sock on her forearm, about as non-threatening and hollow a pretense of outre as the world has seen since Buzz Killington chose to wear his tophat at a slight angle. Spears and Gaga’s stage-show antics are the rock equivalent of signifying that you’re “wacky” by putting a lampshade on your head, though that perfunctory action at least has a certain archetypal value that raises it to the level of irony at this late stage in history.
People, any singer with a wardrobe budget and some monotonous drum machines could do this.
And Gaga’s music, of course, is the same stomping-bass-plus-diva almost-ready-for-Vegas inoffensive balladeering that has made most intelligent people ignore the Top 40 for decades. It sounds like all those terrible disco songs you hear playing in convenience stores run by Iranians late at night, some sort of simple, foghorn-like synth with a second-rate female opera singer being told by some bored producer to make it sound a bit more aria-like when the cymbals come in.
Any intelligent person who has been subjected to hearing about a Gaga TV performance the next day knows how empty the whole thing seems: She did what? Used some fake blood? Wow, that’s the most daring thing I’ve heard since…Halloween, I guess. That’s about as shocking as a horror movie using…an axe, I suppose. Where does she come up with these “ideas”? Maybe next she’ll ride a horse. Or ride a horse and then, in the big finale, have two horses. Where does she come up with her “ideas”?
But it is not Gaga I blame for all this: I blame you, America. You know damn well we have seen fake blood and horses and women with big voices playing the piano before. Do not pretend that you are rewarding this behavior because it is innovative. Like Spears, Lady Gaga succeeds precisely because she is bland. She is little different from half the other Stepford Wives robo-blondes America sends up the pop charts. Nothing more of interest to see here, people.