Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Todd Seavey Personal Ad #2

It was mistakenly claimed by NPR and others that my old joke Personal Ad from this site was written in response to events in 2010.  In fact, it was written back in 2006, as the site was first being assembled (well before I had the misfortune to meet the woman NPR claimed inspired the ad). 

In any case, one's needs change over time, so the following bare-bones ad, like the old one, notes broad, manifestly-awful female psychological types I'd like to avoid.  This joke ad is a better representation of what I'm looking for in a woman now than the old joke ad.  I'm really not setting the bar all that high with this list, either, so anyone who thinks it sounds too demanding or narrow-minded is likely insane.

Herewith a simple "alphabet" of deal-breakers:

No Alcoholics or smokers
No Bulimics or anorexics
No "Cutters" (i.e., self-mutilators)
No Depressives
No Emotionally-needy parasites of the sort who still own a security blanket
No Freakout-prone social anxiety sufferers
No Gay-hating hypocritical bisexuals
No Hyperlexic but socially clueless Asperger's cases
No Irrationalists (especially of the sort who refuse to explain their conclusions)
No Jerks who think the only alternative to proudly being a "bitch" is weakness
No Kindness-despising cynics
No Liars, not even tellers of "white lies," since they so often aren't
No Mean-spirited women
No Natally-inclined women (I don't want kids, and many women shouldn't reproduce)
No Oscillating kinky/prudish women incapable of moderation and emotional stability
No Psychotics (sociopaths, psychopaths, "borderline personality" cases, etc.)
No Quick-to-anger tantrum-throwers who like making "scenes," upending tables, etc.
No Religious women, especially converts, since claims made without evidence are lies
No Sadomasochists, professional or otherwise (with all their unwarranted arrogance)
No Theatrical women who think theatricality is an excuse to lie or be insane
No Unimaginative women who can't fathom people politely disagreeing with them
No Violence-prone women, or ones who admire violence and power-wielding
No Whores, cheaters, triangle-producers, or creators of "complicated" romantic situations
No Xenophobes of the sort who, say, admire Nazi philosopher Carl Schmitt
No Young women who think youth is an excuse to be amoral
No Zoophobes who can't enjoy hangin' out with cats or dogs

Needless to say, the worst imaginable girlfriend would be someone who combined several or all of these bad qualities, but that is highly unlikely (virtually no one in the real world is that terrible).  Someone who has none of these qualities, by contrast, is already my ally, even if we never meet.  Keep up the good work, nice lady.  You add to the world instead of subtracting from it.

And those who can't even imagine that there are women good enough to avoid running afoul of all the criteria above are probably leading tragically stunted lives themselves, possibly hanging around with (or being) the worst New York City has to offer.  There is good in this world, but its spread requires firmly saying no to the sorts of people who can't even imagine the good, can't recognize it when they see it, or, worst of all, recognize it but do not want it because it is so alien to the darkness in which they normally dwell.

1 comment:

AddledWriter said...

"No Zoophobes who can't enjoy hangin' out with cats or dogs"

Ha ha ha! That cracks me up, since the rest of the list is so consumed with irrational (and mean ) behavior, that you threw in a 'must like pets'-type comment. You softie!