Who needs online dating services? Eschewing the needlessly complicated dating sites, which I’m told offer an array of dating-candidates who are not Todd Seavey — potentially causing women to become confused and end up with the wrong guy — ToddSeavey.com offers the one dating option that can bring true happiness: Todd Seavey. But first, you must read the rules below.
Ten Rules for Dating Todd
1. Sane chicks are hot.
Do you often find yourself saying, “Why does everything have to be rational all the time?”
Do you ever end an argument by saying, “Just because it’s more logical doesn’t mean it’s right”?
Do you cry sometimes without knowing why, or without being able to explain why “in words”?
Do you hear voices in your head, whether human or divine?
Do you believe yourself to be “highly intuitive” even when you have been repeatedly proven wrong or have no evidence that your intuited judgments proved to be accurate?
Do you become sullen and uncommunicative when people say things with which you disagree?
Do you claim to desperately wish that you were thin yet continue to eat enough food to keep you fat?
Do you claim to be fat despite numerous people, perhaps including doctors, telling you that you are underweight and may have anorexia?
Do you have any other condition qualifying as “an eating disorder”?
Do you sometimes treat innocent others sadistically?
Do you often find yourself using phrases such as “It’s just a really confusing time for me emotionally,” “I’m having trouble thinking lately,” or “Something makes me think they’re all against me, even though they’re being nice”?
Do you think it’s acceptable to have contradictory ideas? Or acceptable to express anger toward people who point out that you have said one thing yet done another? Or acceptable to express anger at others because you have consciously chosen a course of action completely at odds with your main goal and are now suffering for it?
Are you on, or have you ever been on, antidepressants or antipsychotic medication? (Or have you been urged by a medical professional to go on such medication?)
Do you think “emotional self-discipline” is a contradiction in terms, or even that it is an undesirable quality?
Do you get angry when people “take you at your word,” say, expecting you to show up when you said you would, expecting you to call if you said you’d call, or otherwise expecting you to behave as if you have integrity even in small things?
Do you like to think of yourself as a “zany and offbeat thinker” who defies the usual linear rules of thought?
Do you like to see others suffer when you are having a bad day?
Do you let off steam by picking fights over nothing, even with people who try to seek a compromise with you?
Do you lie in order to avoid conflicts, even though by doing so you increase the odds of a more significant later conflict?
Do you think that a given statement must be true if you “feel strongly” about the underlying issue? (For instance, that God must exist because you feel passionately about religion, or that socialism or welfare-statism must be superior to capitalism as a means of ensuring human happiness because you have cared deeply about socialism or welfare-statism for many years?)
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be insane and probably shouldn’t date me (I’m sure many of you would hasten to add “I wouldn’t dream of it!” and that’s good — you’re being wise, for once). This is not to say that you are a bad person — you may even be better than average in many ways, or at least better than the average woman — but you are not the sort of reasonable, level-headed, mild-mannered person with whom another reasonable, level-headed, mild-mannered person like myself ought to spend a lot of time.
If you answered “no” to all these questions, there may be hope of us getting along and even building a romantic relationship. But read on and learn the other nine Rules for Dating Todd.
2. If you (a) do not want children or (b) are willing to accept the fact that I will never want children and that therefore if you do, you must be prepared to have only a non-permanent relationship with me, we may be able to build a romantic relationship (no, I do not want to adopt, part-time parent, co-parent, see kids on weekends, or indeed be around kids, whether genetically related or unrelated to me, in any imaginable capacity whatsoever, nor date a women who has kids secreted away somewhere who she promises will “rarely” interact with me).
3. Do you accept the fact that your future boyfriend may have many friends, both female and male, who will not cease to exist simply because you start dating said boyfriend, and are you able to be kind and open toward said friends, including the females, even if in some cases they are ex-girlfriends? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
4. Are you capable of having an argument on an intellectual point of disagreement without eventually claiming that your feelings have been hurt by the disagreement or claiming that if your opponent persists in (politely) differing with you — if you insist on asking — he must “not be respecting” your opinion? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
5. Is your IQ, if it has been tested, significantly above average (average being approximately 100)? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
6. Would you agree that no one is born into this world “owing” you anything, whether an investment of time or money, and that as long as no one is actively harming you or taking things away from you without your permission, the world is treating you fairly? (That is, do you think it’s absurd when people claim to “deserve” a nice vacation or a fancy home or other, often shallow yuppie indulgences without having earned them?) If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
7. Are you able to get along with people who disagree with you on a variety of issues, such as politics and religion, assuming they are willing to discuss such matters intelligently and civilly? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
8. Are you aware that every single person alive has a different set of preferences from your own, and that what seems “fun” or even “necessary” to you may not generate enthusiasm in other people, even those close to you, and that they are under no moral obligation to share your enthusiasm? Can you avoid sulking if other people fail to share that enthusiasm, so long as they are polite about it? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
9. Do you think happiness is a fairly natural state — the most important one, in fact — and one easily achieved if people simply calm down and avoid creating insanity, hostility, or trouble? If so, we may be able to build a romantic relationship.
10. If you answered as suggested to all the questions above, are an undeformed female, and are somewhere below the age of menopause (not that I’m knocking the various hot older women I’ve met, but we ought to think long-term here), then let’s consider building a romantic relationship.
As you may have guessed, I have encountered some “mentally special” women over the years and am keen to avoid a repeat performance. Though I’m opinionated in a few select areas, I am nonetheless easy-going, happy to disagree (as long as things remain civil and we can comfortably talk about anything), and very easily entertained (I have never understood why solitary confinement is considered a threat). A sofa and a good book seems to me as close to paradise as one could reasonably ask for, in a world where people are often eager, it seems, to go to great lengths and effort simply to make themselves miserable in a more ritzy, political, “intense,” popular, noisy, or exotic setting. That is not to say I would complain at all about indulging in things I don’t naturally seek out — being willing to try new things and willing to find pleasure in your mate’s favorite things are both important — but I do not approach life with a long wish list of mandatory items meant to prove social status, show off, “experience [fill in the blank] for myself,” or get back at my enemies. I just need sanity, and some peace and quiet (if you often find yourself, eyes bugging out and jaw hanging, saying things like “What do you mean you don’t [ski, read your horoscope, smoke pot, enjoy massage, admire Al Gore, what have you]?” and then having difficulty continuing the conversation or imagining further contact with the person you’re talking to, best to just nip things in the bud rather than dating this non-religious, pro-capitalist, anti-sports, child-averse, non-skiing, crowded-bar-avoiding man — and consider developing an imagination, which will prove useful in all sorts of situations and might even boost your income, enabling you to do more skiing).
Unlike most women, who seem to think that a romantic relationship is sort of an “anything goes” zone into which to spew all the simmering madness kept at bay during the day when out in public, I hope you agree with me that a relationship should be a haven of logic and sanity in often deranged and overheated world.
Care to join me — instead of taking all this as a challenge to change, defeat, or “counterbalance” me?
I should confess that I might be bad at enjoying some of the things that average people enjoy, and I say this only reluctantly and as a result of past negative experiences. So, for instance, most New Yorkers, from what I can tell, seem to prefer noisy or crowded bars, where carrying on complex or nuanced conversations is difficult, to quiet or unpopular ones where the calm allows for contemplation and easy discourse. It is all too common for women to conclude “You’re no fun!” if you don’t share their precise notion of fun, that notion usually involving a lot of hooting and hollering; some unsubtle dancing to atrocious, booming music; and perhaps some drunken flirting facilitated by a complete lack of long-term planning or awareness of the future. I’ll pass, thanks.
By contrast, and I say this without taking any joy in sounding smug, I think the world is by and large too noisy, too busy, too stupid, too unreflective, too irrational, and almost completely lacking in dignity or self-restraint. If you would rather “par-tay” than parlez, we are likely not on the same wavelength. If you think the world needs far more lecture series, debates, places for intelligent conversation, peace and quiet, and noble reserve instead of zany free-spirited hippie-slut throbbin’ funkiness, you may want what I want, and we will likely greet each other with great relief after too many decades of weary acceptance of this world’s low standards.
Surely there’s a woman out there somewhere who has long been thinking along these same lines — instead of thinking “I just want to stop having to think and plan all the time and go nuts once in a while!” — a woman who suspects that we could rule the world together, or merely be happy together.
Oh, but one last thing — and this is very important. Are you the sort of person who says “yes” when asked to do something with a fella, regardless of whether you actually want to go out, then simply keeps rescheduling instead of definitively and finally canceling the date or saying no? Do you do this despite having attained the age of legal adulthood? Do you tell yourself that you’re nonetheless a moral person — even the hero in life’s little narrative — because, each and every time you rescheduled and feigned enthusiasm for getting together “first thing next week” (or maybe even later that very night if you’re a particularly brazen and skilled actress), you thought, “I’m faced with an awkward moment, so I’ll just keep turning it into a positive one, for the time being, by lying…over and over again! That’s the thing to do!”
I don’t really care if you vow never to do this to me — that isn’t good enough. If you’ve ever done this to anyone — wasting not only your time and the fella’s but the time of all the other people whose schedules were disrupted by your lies, from restaurant staffs dealing with canceled reservations to other people who might have met with the fella on the nights blocked out for your illusory outings — you are, I am afraid, a terrible, selfish fiend of a human being, and I really don’t want you as a friend, let alone a date or girlfriend. Yes, that’s right — you are evil. How does it feel — the evil, I mean? Bet you thought being a Hitler or a Jack the Ripper would feel a lot different than being you. But it doesn’t. You’re living the being-evil experience. Please live it without me, though.
I don’t care if you’ve been declared by numerous glossy magazines to be the most beautiful woman not only of our era but of all time. I don’t care if your intellect is so vastly superior to my own that mere moments of conversation with you would fill me with awe and wonder. You are still, as noted above, an immoral, inconsiderate fiend. I can do better, thanks. And when I say “do better,” I don’t even mean that there’s necessarily a woman on the planet above this sort of time-wasting, juvenile behavior. Maybe there isn’t — but I would still be doing better, you see, by living out the rest of my days alone than by dating you. So please, please — please! — if you lack ethics, stay very, very far away. And while you’re there (far away, that is), think about what went wrong in your upbringing, your genetics, or the culture at large to turn you into the monster you have become. It’s dealing with jerks like you that inspires serial killers and misanthropes, you know. Can you really blame them?
Non-monster lady, on the other hand, if you’re out there, drop me a line. If you’re smart, you know how necessary this personal ad’s various complaints are and won’t be put off by them. If you’re not smart, well, a universe of singles bars and online dating sites awaits you, so go to it, missy, and good luck!
(Or more briefly: 5′9″, 180 lbs., blonde, Brown alum, writer-editor, likes cats and dogs but owns neither. Will not have children. Enjoys philosophy and New Wave music.)
UPDATE 12/23/07: Well, in defiance of the critics — though admittedly with no help from this personal ad — I found a wonderful girlfriend, about whom you can read here, shortly after this ad went up, and though we didn’t quite end up together permanently, I now view this ad as largely a venting of complaints left over from before her time, not necessarily a blueprint for the future — but I still will never have kids (a few things are non-negotiable).
Update 12/31/08: And for later philosophy-meets-romance intrigue, check out the entry in which I unveiled girlfriend Helen Rittelmeyer.
Update summer 2009: And now that’s over, sadly — but I will no longer update this page at all — it’s mainly a joke; no one has ever seriously responded to it as a personal ad and likely never will, but it’s a popular — and to some people’s minds funny! — page on my blog, so it will live on, static and unchanging from here on out, with all apologies to my next girlfriend and/or my wife, who I expect will simply be someone sane, smart, non-“drama”-prone, and resolutely uninterested in having kids. All else is negotiable, as most things should be between calm, flexible adults.
Update fall 2009: OK, Helen’s back — really truly last update ever, come what may.